Thursday, August 11, 2011

Tulsa Time

Hello from Tulsa!  The weather at 3:00 PM was perfect and I am not kidding.  Pat and I sat outside for an hour or so and I felt like I was in a different state!  It rained hard on us as I was driving from Oklahoma City to Tulsa.  It has been too long since I have felt the raindrops.

Pat's tumor markers have risen from 322 to 408.  The doctor said that it is not unusual for the markers to flare up when the chemo medication is changed, so we are praying that is the case.  We will continue the same treatment and scan in six weeks.

I have been struggling lately on how to process this journey in my mind.  I may not be able to find the words to express what I am trying to say, but I will try.  When Pat was first diagnosed in October I had a huge peace and it has stayed with me most of the time.  The Lord has spoken to me through His word, books, pastors and friends and his timing is always perfect.  I could talk with you for hours how amazing God has been and just how sovereign, faithful and good He is.  I hear His whispers and I have felt his painful pruning as He transforms me.    My relationship is an intimate one because He has shown me how much He loves me and I know He feels my pain. 

So how am I struggling?  One way is the enemy knows all about me too and he knows my weaknesses; therefore, he is trying to cause me to doubt, fear, worry and lose trust.   My belief from the beginning is that Pat will be healed from this disease and I continue to claim that.  However, when I see Pat hurting, weary, and tired as his health declines, it scares me.  As our journey continues and the other stresses of living life are present, I just ask "what else, Lord?"  So, I feel weak, numb and find myself asking the Lord tons of questions.
I plainly asked God for a revelation a couple of days ago.  How do I process the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster?  For the past two days I feel like I received that revelation. 

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior (Habakkuk 3: 17-18).   I read this in Streams of the Desert.  The writer goes on to interpret this verse: In His time he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectation of Him. 

As soon as I read that the words YET caused me to pause.  I read it again several times.  You see "everything" listed in the scripture before the word YET is what we are experiencing.   It was my revelation.  I too want to maintain my spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances, and oh, how I love I can have cheerful expectation!  That one, three little word YET has such an impact on me.  No matter what is happening around me and no matter what the future holds, I will depend on my Heavenly Farther. I think I have been trying to hard to have a faith that pleases Him. I am going to try to just sit back and allow Him to lead and quit asking so many questions.

As I write, Pat is getting his chemo, but he is in lala land.  We will drive back to Kelly and Brian's tonight and head home on the train in the morning. 

Thankful is how I feel at this moment.  My list is wide and long.

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