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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Not Easy, Counselor

We are making our way home from Tulsa from the cancer center.  It is drizzling and bleak and that is how Pat and I feel right now.  The future is bleak right now as we do not know where this journey is headed. We are having to have conversations we are not prepared to talk about nor do we want to.  Are we headed down your typical expected road that a pancreatic cancer patient faces or will we receive a miracle as God touches Pat's body and heals him?  Will we have to go to hell and back before we find out that answer?

I feel that this journey is so surreal right now.  I guess I have finally seen what a fallen world feels like. I say that because I want to say out loud or I would rather scream out loud, "This is not fair".    I have always seen hurt and pain and have watched many families suffer, but now we are one of those families. 

I have never felt so dependent on God in my whole life.  At times I feel like I am going to break.  Just crack right here.  Then moments or time will pass and I will feel God's strength.  I will feel His peace that surpasses all understanding.  I have been begging for that peace.  You see, I have felt that gift before.  It is nothing that can be described if you have never felt it before.  I need it again right now, Lord and quickly.

I have been meeting with a counselor, which is the first time I have ever met with one.  I work for a fantastic counselor with his Ph.D, who I get to steal his expertise in quick moments through the week.  But to sit down and the focus be on me and those deep and confusing feelings.  Nope..first time.  I feel like I talk in circles!  Fortunately, on our first visit she was able to listen to me for awhile and then she pegged me.  She had been reading my email!  You see I am trying to fit this nice, neat box around my family.  God is in the center of the box of course, but I am trying to keep everything nice and tidy.  I am trying to cushion this pain from this family of five.  I want to protect my kids and I want to take away the pain from Pat.  That is an impossible task, but it still makes me feel guilty because I am not doing a very good job.  Ha!  So, my homework assignment is to get rid of the guilt.  That is easier said than done, counselor! 

Well, time to take my turn in driving!  

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